Tom Walker
Intro
It’s hard to comprehend exactly what Tom has had to navigate in his headspace in recent years. He suffered a horrendous accident which resulted in being told he’d better get used to a wheelchair but yet thanks to his spirit and determination he decided how his future would transpire.
In a sentence how would you sum up who you are today?
I am a 29 year old lad from Stoke on Trent with a big heart with a passion for the outdoors and an even bigger passion for anything that has 2 wheels on it.
How did you find mountain biking?
I found Mountain biking when I was a very young child, for as long as I can remember bikes have been a huge part of my life, but I guess you could say I found mountain biking properly when I was around 10, growing up my friends were all maybe 5 years older than me and their parents used to let them visit places like Dimmingsdale at the weekend on bikes. Being ten I wasn’t allowed to go but still went anyway and after we few times I guess my parents succumbed to the idea as they knew my friends were older and slightly wiser. We used to take shovels on our backs and build little jumps but because I was the youngest I was always the one to test them first. I loved it, the feeling of being in the woods with my mates compared to no other and it still doesn’t to this day. I guess you could say I was hooked from an early age.
How would you sum up your riding style and shenanigans you’d get up to prior to 2019?
I was by no means the most talented man out there, but to me that was irrelevant, I was and still am only interested in having fun and creating sick memories with my mates in the woods. If it was fun and there was 2 wheels involved I was and still am there at any given opportunity, but yeah some of my friends are real loose fuckers on the bike, and i guess that can rub off after a certain amount of time , we like to go as fast as we can and hang her out!!! Fun is a priority, all the other stuff comes second to fun!
We have to address your crash, tell us about what happened in the run up to that day and the riding that year prior to the accident as well as your trip to Whistler.
Prior to June, 2019 was a good year for me on the bike, I felt like I was riding the best I had ever ridden. I had a lovely little Santa Cruz 5010 that I had got flips and spins pretty good on and felt like I was riding fast too, I was never really arsed about results when racing but entered the steel city that year for a laugh and finished about 5th I think which I was stoked about! The main thing I had my eye on for 2019 though was a dream holiday to whistler with Dean Wood, Binni Barratt and James Foster from Revs. I got myself a fresh V10 for the trip which I was fucking stoked about, we arrived and within a couple of days we had got into the swing of things, I felt like I had found a level of riding that I had never felt before and was fucking loving it! Whistler was everything it lived up to be and everything more it’s just a shame I had to leave under the circumstances but such is life and in all honesty all’s that did was make me more determined to get back to Whistler and finish off the trip of a lifetime, I still think about that bike trip every single day so I feel like I need to go back for some mental closure and put to bed some demons that have haunted me for nearly 2 years now.
How did that particular day unfold for you?
Ah man, I remember it all so well, we had the sickest day in the bike park, it has pissed down the night before so conditions were primo and we were loving it, we lapped the bike park till about 6 and were sat in the hotel room when my mate Nate who was living in Whis at the time text me and said he was going to hit Pemberton train gap after work and asked if I wanted to go. I had always seen pictures and though fuck yeah why not. Nate arrived and me Dean Binni and James went to meet him , there was fuck all room in his van so we thought that there wasn’t going to be enough room for us all. Binni and James decided they were gonna chill in the room and went back and we were about to leave when I remember saying "I’m on holiday with those guys too, and if they can’t come, i aint coming" which resulted in me and dean lay over the top of the bikes in the van for the journey there so that James and Binni could come but fuck it was the best decision I had ever made. We arrived in Pemby, climbed to the top, had a look, joked about how gnarly it would be to fall off the end of the take-off (if you have never been it is fucking high). The wood on the take-off was wet from the rain but I only had one shot so we were going to take it. Nate pushed up, sent it, it was my turn. I pushed up, pedalled in and about 6 foot before the take-off clipped my pedal on a rock sticking out the side of the run in. That blew both my feet off my pedals so I grabbed a handful of both brakes and just went faster on the wet wooden take off and before you know it I was falling onto the train line, I landed on both my feet which saved my life but completely obliterated both my heel bones, the force of landing snapped the top of my tib and fib off and cracked my femur up the middle on my left leg and my right knee hit me underneath my jaw and shattered my upper jaw and both my eye sockets too, i remember grabbing my nose and being able to pull it all over my face, my helmet strap shackle punctured my neck and i had a hole about an inch round in my neck which was spurting blood everywhere. I thought I was going to die on that train track, I could not get up and thought I was going to bleed to death, blood was coming out of everywhere, my friend James ran over to me and literally ripped his t-shirt off with one hand and it was round my neck before I knew what was happening, this ultimately saved my life and I owe a lot to this absolute fucking hero. James held me and told me that everything was going to be ok and held me while the others ran to get help, we waited for around an hour until emergency services arrived and then I think I woke up the next day in Vancouver hospital with various pieces of metal sticking out of my leg, It was horrific! My friends saved my life that day and I will be eternally grateful!
You were in hospital 7 weeks following it, what experiences did you go through there?
Those 7 weeks were the worst 7 weeks of my life, I literally hit rock bottom. I weighed 50kgs and could not do anything for myself. To go from being fit and healthy to being bedbound for 24hours a day was soul destroying, my mental health declined rapidly and I didn’t want to talk or speak to anyone in that time to be honest, I was in a really dark place and thought I was done for. Obviously it was clear to see the physical damage that I had done but the one thing that nobody can ever see is the strain that this situation put on my mind and for me that was the worst. I feel like mental health is often overlooked by big physical injuries but I want to let it be known that the hardest battle I had from all of this has been in my own head. My life had been flipped on its head and I couldn’t deal with it and didn’t know what to do/where to turn.
You were told you’d never walk again. How did you receive and deal with that information?
To be completely honest I cried a lot, I was 27, I still had so much more life to live, places to visit, I hit rock bottom and lay in my hospital bed sobbing, contemplating my existence. For about a week I didn’t want to see or talk to anyone and I don’t really remember those times to be honest as I guess my mind was elsewhere. After about a week of crying and feeling heartbroken I realised that I had 2 choices, I could either spend the rest of my life feeling sorry for myself or dedicate the rest of my life to being in a position where i could walk again and there was no fucking way i was taking the first option!
You then spent a long stint in a wheelchair or mobility scooter. How did that affect you?
That was absolutely soul destroying to be honest, the shower at home is upstairs and I couldn’t get up there so every day involved an hour round trip to the leisure centre on my mobility scooter for a shower in the disabled shower, I remember putting my hood up so no one would see me and I wouldn’t go on the main roads just in case anyone saw me! I had had my freedom , dignity and independence taken away from me and this really affected me mentally, I was a different person in those times and I really didn’t like who I had become. It was really hard for me to accept that I had to rely on other people to do stuff that you normally take for granted such as going to the toilet, I had to piss in a bottle for 4 months! You can imagine what impact that had mentally on me! I was absolutely heartbroken. Mountain bikes give you a sense of freedom like no other and I was no longer free and it ate me alive! To go from ripping a mountain bike to crawling through town on a mobility scooter was heart-breaking but I guess tough times make tough people and definitely learnt a lot about myself during these times.
From the outside at least it seems you had good friends behind you and supporting you. How much did that help you and uplift you?
My friends Have been amazing throughout the whole of this, the day after I arrived back into the UK there was so many people that came to visit me in hospital, even if they just came up for a chat for half an hour it was a well needed distraction from the shitty times and really made me realise what good friends I have. It was really hot when I was in hospital so my friends would come and get me and we would do laps of the hospital car park in my wheelchair. My Jaw was still fresh from surgery and my face was very swollen which made talking difficult a lot of the time but that didn’t matter, the feeling of being out in the fresh air and feeling the sun on my face made me feel human again, and that is what I really needed. As soon as I was out of hospital my friend Scotty would turn up every single day whether it was to bring me some dinner, take me to be bike shop for an hour or literally just to push me around in my wheelchair these little things are what started to make me feel human again and give me a sense of purpose and I will never forget my friends kindness through all of this, I wouldn’t be fuck all without you lot!!
They took you out while they were riding and to events. How was that for you?
1 week after I had got out of hospital it was the bowl jam at Revs, I had received an invite to ride but obviously couldn’t but in my heart I really still wanted to go as I hadn’t left the house for so long! That Saturday morning about 5 of my Friends from Spokes Bike Shop turned up at my house and ratchet strapped me and my wheelchair in the back of a van and drove me to Wales so that I could see my friends ride! It was amazing! This made me realise how much my bikes and my friends were a huge part of my life and there was no way that I was going to allow that to be Game over! Watching the lads ride lit a huge fire in my heart and it was there and then when I decided that one day I would ride a bike again
Before you even walked you were back on an e-bike, how did that feel to turn the pedals again and how did that come to be?
Ah man! That was the best fucking feeling ever!! Basically Ratty had mentioned to me about getting on an e bike as soon as I had my accident but to be honest at the start I was nowhere near strong enough and hopping back on a bike again was a scary thing for me mentally and I wasn’t ready. After a few months I started to feel less apprehensive about bikes and managed to save some of my Sick money so that I could afford to buy a bike again ( I had to sell all of my other bikes to survive while I was in hospital) I could not walk or touch my feet on the floor at this point but wanted to ride so badly that my dad would lean my bike up against a wall and then carry me onto it and place me on the seat, I could then set off without having to touch the floor. It was amazing!! I was able to do between 5 and 10 miles a day on the ebike and regain some of my independence and freedom. Obviously it was nothing like riding flat out down a track but to me this meant more, I was able to get out every day and now had a purpose again in life! I was a bike rider again! Before I placed any of my feet on the floor I reckon I had done around 500 miles on me Bike and my legs were getting stronger and stronger every day! This kind of rehab would simply not of been possible on any other bike so say what you will about Ebikes but I feel like mine really helped my recovery so much!
Shout out to Josh Bryceland too! If I wasn’t for that guy I would of never had an ebike so I feel like I owe some of my recovery to him, Thanks Josh I really fucking appreciate it mate! The guy does so much under the radar stuff for people in the biking world and I want to let it be known I am eternally grateful! Big love Ratty! You are my hero!
You managed to defy what you were told and stand again. That must have felt incredible? Was it a big middle finger to those that told you you couldn’t?
To stand up again was such an amazing feeling and yes it was a massive middle finger to those who couldn’t! Il never forget the first time I stood up in my living room with my mate frank. I had to do it twice jut to make sure it wasn’t a fluke! As soon as I knew that physically I could do it, it was all about training my mind to overcome that pain barrier, because it hurt so much for so long. The first time I stood it was for maybe 3 seconds but as soon as I knew that I could physically do it I was so determined to stand for 5 seconds, then 10 then to take a step, then 2 steps, the whole process snowballed as soon as I started to believe in me.
How did you come to be in that position to walk again? What efforts and rehabilitation did you have to endure?
I first placed both feet on the floor and put weight through them for a few seconds onSeptember the 11 th 2019, by the 14 th September I was in the Gym undergoing 1:1 physio. Since September 2019 i have attended physio twice a week were my legs are pushed to their limits. The first few sessions were agony for me, I would walk maybe 20 steps and carry out some small leg exercises but I was so weak that I would have to sleep for the rest of the day after my physio sessions. Since then my progress has been amazing, I have gone from taking 20 steps to running for 10 mins and I finally feel like there is some strength back in my legs which makes me very happy. My progress would not have been anywhere near it is now if it weren’t for the great efforts of my physio team. We have worked bloody hard for 2 years now and as much as it kills me I understand I simply would not be in this position I am in today if it weren’t for the great efforts that me and my physiotherapist have put in! Some of these physio sessions are the hardest things I have ever done, I would leave the gym sometimes in tears because I was so tired and achy but I knew that I had to put the work n to get the results, so that’s what I did! To this day I am still attending physio and will do for some time but this has been crucial for my recovery and I appreciate all the hard work my physio has put in for me! A wise man once told me you only get out what you put in, and I can honestly say I have dedicated the last 2 years of my life to walking again and I am so delighted to finally start seeing the benefits.
Mentally how did you go about learning to walk again? You said you were concerned how people would react to you walking, how did you overcome that mental struggle?
Learning to walk again was the hardest thing I have ever had to do, for maybe 2 months after my accident before I went to sleep every night I would picture myself walking down the street and really try and get that image in my head clearly of me walking, I would watch myself in my own head so much to try and manifest it into reality! One day maybe 4 months after my accident after an ebike ride I was sat at home with my good friend Reece (Frank) when I had this sudden urge to stand up. I had never had that urge before so I said to frank that my brain had just told me to stand up . After some encouragement from frank I stood up for maybe 5 seconds until my muscles give way and I fell onto the bed absolutely fuckin stoked!! The next day I stood for 10 seconds and I just kept trying to stand for a few more seconds daily but it was so hard to be honest because the pain was unbearable, my leg muscles had deteriorated so much. I still walk with a limp now which makes me very conscious if im being honest, its not normal for a 29 year old lad to be struggling to walk like this so that plays on my mind a lot when I am out and about.
There must have been an unreal amount of pain involved since your accident. How did you make it through the physical pain? Will you have to live with underlying pains and troubles into the future?
There hasn’t been a day since june 26 th 2019 where I have not been in pain, both my feet and my left knee ache from the moment I open my eyes to the moment I go the sleep and sometimes that gets me really down, especially in winter when its really cold I feel like that an old man from about November to march. For the whole time I have never taken any pain management as I do not want to become reliant pharmaceutical drugs for the rest of my life.
Coming to terms with the fact that I will probably be in pain forever has been a hard one to take in but I have found that the right group of friends in the right environment can help you forget about the pain, even if it is just for a few minutes.
You were off work for 18 months in total, but some would be surprised to learn that your sick note stated PTSD. How did you feel being labelled with that?
Yeah for the whole time I was off work my sicknote said PTSD, even though I had many many broken bones and could not do anything for myself. The main thing I was struggling with was the situation in my own head. I was upset, I was angry, heartbroken, frustrated all brought on by a massive trauma. It is always easy to see someone’s physical injuries, but one think that is not so easy to see is somebody’s mental injuries , and the mental battle I was going through was so much worse than my physical injuries. My mind was still trying to piece together what happened, and because of this I felt like my brain was working overtime all the time, and it was exhausting. Because I was so tired I was very aggravated and it would take the smallest thing for me to have a mental breakdown and I would become very frustrated and angry.
It strikes me you must have had a huge amount of time for you to process just about everything you can imagine by yourself. Did that create some problems for you? Were you able to come to terms with some things or figure some things out?
Yeah I’m not gonna lie this created a lot of problems for me, After my accident my family had to return back to work and during the week I would be at home on my own from the early morning to the evening . This gave me a lot of time on my own with nobody to talk to and my mental health suffered badly, my mind was working overtime and this is not a good combination. I simply could not come to terms with the fact that I did not know if I would be able to ride a bike again and the not knowing took its toll on me. I quickly learned that being alone while I was in this state of mind was wasn’t good for me so made a conscious effort to visit family every day, just to break up the loneliness. I guess this whole period of time made me come to terms with how lucky I was though, I had just fallen 40 foot and although I had smashed many bones I was so lucky to be alive, every doctor I had spoken to said that It was a miracle just to be alive still so I guess I just had to take the positives. But yeah for sure this definitely threw up some huge issues for me and eventually I had to say enough was enough and seek some professional help as I couldn’t deal with it on my own.
You mentioned that you have put pressure on yourself to reach a certain level of riding, is that an unhealthy mindset or is it helping you progress forward?
I honestly believe that my desire to get back to the level that I was riding at before my accident is what inspires me to get out of bed every day and put the work in. I will never be content with just getting on my bike and having a leisurely ride, I want to ride fast and push boundaries every time I ride, the thought of me ripping a turn or hitting a big jump is what motivates me to get it done and put the work in in the gym to get stronger an fitter.
Was there ever a period where you really fell out of love with bikes perhaps because they were in some way responsible? If so how did that turn around?
For sure man, after my accident I never wanted to sit on a bike ever again, I was done. But then after a while I realised I would not be the person I am today without bikes, I wouldn’t of made the amazing friends that I have met if it weren’t for bikes and I would not of visited these amazing places on earth that I have visited if it weren’t for the love of riding bikes! Bikes are my passion, my release and without these I wouldn’t be who I am today and I will ride one until the wheels fall off!
In hindsight is there anything you can be thankful for from this experience? Any avenues it’s opened up, friendships or experiences?
This whole experience has taught me that no matter how tough and strong we think we might be, tomorrow is not promised for anyone and that life can change for any of us in a split second. I have learned to enjoy life in the present and not get too caught up with the past or the future. This whole shit experience taught me that life is a beautiful thing that is often taken for granted or overlooked because we live life at such a fast pace. I have learned to slow life down and enjoy it for exactly what it is and in turn this simplicity has helped me realise the beauty of life! I used to get so caught up in stuff that didn’t actually matter! The traffic, the weather etc when in reality none of that means shit…. to me.
There is a few clips of the accident, it’s hard enough watching myself, how on earth did you come to replay the accident to yourself and how did that feel to watch it back?
There was still so many unanswered questions in my head from that day, I felt like I needed some mental closure as I felt like it was eating me alive. I think it was around 5 months later when I finally watched the clip, I knew I was on my gopro but every time I thought about it I felt sick. I woke up one morning and the first thought I had was “you need to watch that video today” so I did, and to be honest it was everything I remembered and worse but I feel like I had some mental closure from watching it, I wasn’t really sure what actually happened but It is clear from the video I slipped a pedal and simply could not stop in time. Im not going to lie, ive really struggled with getting the image of me falling off the take-off out of my head, I would wake up in the middle of the night screaming because I thought I was falling off the end again. I would be going about my day to day life when all of a sudden I would be hit with a mental image of me falling off the end and I would just freeze, not be able to talk, think , it was awful. There was a period of time where this was happening more and more frequently and I thought you know what enough enough is and spoke to my family about getting some professional help to help me process this information.
Admitting I needed help was one of the best decisions I have ever made
Said videos also went pretty viral, what’s your take on that?
Yeah it was nice to see that so many people were behind me and supporting me through all of this, that really motivated me to get out of bed every morning and put the hard work in to get back on my feet and back riding. I saw a few comments online which hurt a bit, people saying I had died, people saying I would be in awheelchair forever etc so there was a period of time after I posted that video where Ididn’t go on my phone at all because I guess I was scared that people were gonna take the piss out of me. I have learnt that bad news travels much easier than good news and social media can be a bit of a double edged sword if you are not feeling 100%, but on the most part people were very supportive of me and the positive comments really helped when I was feeling down.
Would you ever consider returning to the site of the accident? Perhaps lay some demons to rest?
I would really love to go back to Pemberton one day an just sit there and take that shit in . I nearly died that day and in my head there are so many unanswered questions that I would like to put to bed, for a while there was a time where whenever I shut my eyes my mind would replay the situation in my head, and that was awful. I have only ever been to Pemberton once but in my mind I feel like I have spent a lot of time there and I feel like going there would finally put my mind and my heart to rest.
We’ve talked about the mental struggles involved with your recovery, that can be a bit of a taboo subject, how did you find talking about that and sharing with others? Anything you’d like to say to others out there that might be having issues of their own?
The mental side of this recovery has been by far the hardest part for me without a doubt. For maybe 12 months I didn’t say a lot about it to anyone, I guess I was still trying to process it for myself. These 12 months were so hard, I was in constant state of depression and felt sad from the moment I woke up until the moment I shut my eyes. For absolutely no reason at all I would cry, for hours and hours on end. One day I figured enough was enough and decided that couldn’t carry on feeling the way I did day in day out and sat down with my parents and told them how i was feeling. Within a week I had seeked professional help and was attending weekly counselling sessions where I could talk about exactly how I was feeling with somebody unbiased. It was so nice to vent somebody who I did not know personally, I felt like I could open up much more and say whatever I felt like saying and this really helped me to cope with those sad times. I was taught to understand why I was feeling how I was feeling and it was very comforting to know that I had the full support from somebody who was trained in dealing with mental trauma. For the last 12 months we have been having regular sessions where I could talk about exactly how i was feeling and this has helped me so much. I have found confidence and happiness again which has changed me so much, I really feel like i am on the path to becoming the person that I want to be again! This fills me with so much determination to put in the hard work because I can really see the benefits.
Please, to anybody who might be going through a tough time now, for whatever reason, Please do not be afraid to speak up about it and seek the professional help needed. Nobody should suffer in silence and I know personally that when you are feeling low the inside of your head is a very lonely place, but it doesn’t have to be! Please seek the professional help, you will not regret it! I feel like it saved my life!
I also believe there are 3 easy things we can do to improve our own mental wellbeing though,
Every day I had to make a really conscious effort to ensure I was getting enough Sleep, Sunlight and laughter. These 3 things have been pivotal in my mental state and helped ease the stress of my mind . I would advise anybody who might be struggling a bit to ensure that you are resting enough, laughing with friends, and most importantly feeling the sun shine on you.
What are your plans or goals moving forward now?
My Goal every day is to be a better person than I was yesterday, whether that be mentally or physically. As long as I am making progress in the right direction then I have a lot to be thankful for. I have learned the hard way that tomorrow is never promised! I have a few more operations planned to make my feet and knees more comfortable for me so hopefully I can get those out the way and in turn it will make walking/ running much more comfortable with me so that would be nice, but honestly, for me I just want to be a better person than I was yesterday.
Any general words of wisdom to end on?
Please, do not suffer in silence, everyone is facing daily battles no matter how big or small they may seem. I would encourage anybody who is struggling mentally with any situation to seek professional help! I was so apprehensive about talking to somebody but in reality it was one of the best things I have ever done. Today, as I write this, it is the 9 th June 2021, nearly 2 years after my accident and I finally feel like mentally I am at peace with the situation now, It has taken me 2 years to get to his point, so many tears, so much pain but I finally feel like I can smile about the situation now and say that mentally I have put those demons that haunted me for so long to bed.
Thank you so much to anyone that has been there for me over the last 2 years, I really really needed your support and I will never forget everyone’s kindness and generosity. I am proud of me.
See ya on the trails duck!
Big love